Pam Ayres.

As a young adult (my ex husband) and I thoroughly enjoyed listening & watching Pam Ayres, her wonderful accent and imaginative mind on all every day topics was amazing.  Well, she is BACK, with her new comment/poem on "50    Shades of Grey".  It has made the start of my week & every time I need a lift this week I will be going back to this poem.  Thank you to whoever put it on 'Knitting Paradise' you always come up with the goods.

Here is the poem, followed by a bio and picture of Pam Ayres.

The missus bought a Paperback,
down Shepton Mallet way,
I had a look inside her bag;
... ... T'was "Fifty Shades of Grey".
Well I just left her to it,
And at ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread...
In her left she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor,
And then began to strip.
Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn't weathered well;
She's eighty four next week!!
Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
And things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!
She struggled back upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said
I am a dominater !!
Now if you knew our Mabel,
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I'd uttered.
She stood there nude and naked
Bent forward just a bit
I went to hold her, sensual like
and stood on her left tit!
Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
"Step on the other one"!!
Well readers, I can't tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of grey



PAM AYRES has been a writer, broadcaster and entertainer for over 35 years. It was November 1975 when Pam made her first TV appearance on the TV talent show, Opportunity Knocks, the “Britain’s Got Talent” TV show of its day, and this proved to be the start of an incredible career for a unique entertainer. 
 The youngest of a family of six children, Pam was born in Stanford-in-the-Vale, Berkshire, during the long cold winter of 1947. 

 After leaving school Pam joined the civil service as a clerical assistant, a job in which she soon lost interest, and which prompted her to join the Women’s Royal Air Force.   It was while Pam was in the WRAF that she developed her love of singing and acting.

On leaving the WRAF Pam set out to achieve her ambition of becoming an entertainer.   By this time her poems had become a hobby, written and performed for the local folk club in Oxfordshire, to where she had returned to live and work as a secretary.   In 1974, a friend arranged for her to go to the local radio station, BBC Radio Oxford, to read one of her poems.  Pam’s first broadcast for Radio Oxford, in 1974, was selected for BBC Radio 4’s Pick of the Week, and subsequently repeated on the 1974 Pick of the Year programme, by which time Radio Oxford had asked Pam to return and recite some more of her poems.

In 1975, after much prodding from friends, Pam decided to audition for TV’s Opportunity Knocks.   Since then Pam has appeared on many major TV shows in the UK, has had her own TV series, and filmed Christmas TV Specials in Hong Kong and Canada. Pam appeared on the Royal Variety Performance at the London Palladium in 1977, to celebrate HM The Queen’s Silver Jubilee.   In October 1996, Pam performed part of her stage show at a Royal Gala Charity Reception at St. James’ Palace, attended by HM The Queen, and she entertained HM The Queen again, in the somewhat less august premises of the Sandringham WI in January 2004.   Subsequently, Pam was awarded the MBE in the Queen’s Birthday Honours of 2004

Courtesy of the Pam Ayres Website:  http://www.pamayres.com/index.php/about-pam/ 

This is one of her very early poems and one I remember quite well.  Love all her work.

OH, I WISH I'D LOOKED AFTER ME TEETH.

Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth,
And spotted the dangers beneath
All the toffees I chewed,
And the sweet sticky food.
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth.

I wish I’d been that much more willin’
When I had more tooth there than fillin’
To give up gobstoppers,
From respect to me choppers,
And to buy something else with me shillin’.

When I think of the lollies I licked
And the liquorice allsorts I picked,
Sherbet dabs, big and little,
All that hard peanut brittle,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My mother, she told me no end,
‘If you got a tooth, you got a friend.’
I was young then, and careless,
My toothbrush was hairless,
I never had much time to spend.

Oh I showed them the toothpaste all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But up-and-down brushin’
And pokin’ and fussin’
Didn’t seem worth the time – I could bite!

If I’d known I was paving the way
To cavities, caps and decay,
The murder of fillin’s,
Injections and drillin’s,
I’d have thrown all me sherbet away.

So I lie in the old dentist’s chair,
And I gaze up his nose in despair,
And his drill it do whine
In these molars of mine.
‘Two amalgam,’ he’ll say, ‘for in there.’

How I laughed at my mother’s false teeth,
As they foamed in the waters beneath.
But now comes the reckonin’
It’s methey are beckonin’
Oh, I wish I’d looked after me teeth.

Taken from the The Works: The Classic Collection 2008.

If you wish to hear / read / see more of Pam Ayres, Amazon have a great collection of books, kindle, CD's, cassettes & children's books available, although when I looked, many popular titles were  limited due to popularity.  I have placed a few of the more modern items here on the side for your ease of access.  Enjoy!